Long long time ago...
when I was in junior High school, a friend of mine used to say that I am a kind of person who is not easy to deal with. I like to come closer to someone, but when the person wants to get closer to me, I run away.
I was not a very friendly person, now that I remember that. I was always showing an uptight facial expression to everybody, not that I did it on purpose. That made me sort of isolated from society and lack of friends, let alone guys. I never showed any interested face on them.
I was raised by my aunt and uncle, my father's big sister. She is, was, a kind of person who couldn't express her love openly. She was not the kind of person who liked to hug, or kiss to express her love. She was not the kind of person who can not say " verra honey" or "verra, my love". Nope! She was definitely not that kind of person. What she was carrying on was somewhat affected on me. I grew up like her. I can not express my affection towards people. It's not that I don't love people around me. I do. But it's very hard to express my feeling to them through action or words. When people get closer to me and they show too much attention or affection I would withdraw myself, consciously or unconsciously.
Guys are afraid of me.
There were many occasions when people around me said :
1. " My friends are afraid of you..." said my big bro, but then he continued..."but when they know u better, they said that you are Ok..
2. " My friends are afraid of you..." said my little brother.
3. " There will be some guy who will say that he likes you..if only you open your eyes.." said one of my neighbors ( no one had a dare to say that to me eventually )
4. " There will be some guy who likes you..just wait and see.." said my college friend asuringly ( in the end...no one had a gut to come closer to me..) :-))
And now....
I am feeling like withdrawing myself again...
There is a guy I met at a cyber world. He is much younger than me. Like...12 years younger - he just turned 20 this month - He is a nice person. A bit naive. And I can tell that he is not a really social person. He is smart. He likes to think big, I mean, his interest in social matters and also religion are huge. We like to talk about anything...music..movies..anything. I like him. He considers himself as my devoted student. He listens to me. What surprises me so much is that he is very sensitive for a guy. Oh! FYI, he is an Indian. And by the way, I have known him for almost a year now. Anyways..I have a facebook account. I invited him to be one of my friends. He confirmed. But then..there is something that slightly annoyed me...that was when he likes to comment on my status at facebook...I don't feel right. It seems like...he is trying to be involved in my personal matter. Yet, I couldn't tell him. I don't wanna hurt his feeling. I tried to avoid him by writing my status in Bahasa Indonesia ( Indonesian language ), but sometimes..he likes to dropped a comment, too..although he doesn't understand the language. I feel like...I have been invaded..I feel like I wanna withdraw myself from him...Actually I am sort of avoiding him right now...but I don't wanna hurt his feeling...Actually...if he doesn't try to be closer to me, maybe..just maybe..I wouldn't feel this way. This is likely uncomfortable..
Once...one of my friends said...
" I know that people change..but I don't want you to change..I want you to be just the same like you used to be with me...and love me like you used to be..because I do ... "
That sentences...made me stepped back for many hundred steps...
Since then on...I disappeared from her life...
Am I somewhat a commitmentphobic?
